The shelf creaked ever so slightly, but I can hear it. The heater's slow and steady humming from the generator is more obvious than ever. What a calm night. My own regular breathing is the only thing making sure that I am still awake at 3:30 in the morning. I am alone with my thoughts. Not even the horny cats are accompanying me tonight. I am alone once again. Even though there is someone whom loves you, there will still be a time when not even your parents or loved ones could protect you. You are left unguarded against your greatest enemy. The thought which were being pushed to the back of your mind, finds a way to sneak into your consciousness. The pain, the regrets, the guilt, the sadness flows back slowly eating your anger away. The despair and the gaps that no one could ever fil, not even the biggest blackest dick, has started to eat you alive. I no longer am myself, I no longer can hold on to it anymore. I suppose I should blame this ungodly hour that led me to such desperate and vulnerable thoughts. I suppose when the daylight resumes I should be back to normal, I should be the one with a cheerful mask that doesn't let anyone worry about me. I should be grateful for many things and I should be happy.
But the problem is how. Is it my fault that I don't know how?
I am sorry.
I really don't know how.
I tried but...
It isn't working for long term.
It is not the fear of losing, it is not the fear of being alone.
I do not know what is, there's just the emptyness, the void like the whole world is just waiting for me to break and yet here I am, still here.
I would rather just break, but I can't. It is more painful to bend with the force and follow as it shapes you. You start losing yourself, you are what you have become because of what happen.
Is that who you are? Is that who I am?
No.
I will break everyone does.
I already have cracks here and there.
When is it ending?
