很久以前

如果那时没有决心要离开, 我就不会知道原来世界还是有希望的。
我不知道一个人是可以更开心的，可是同时也可以更伤心。
当你自己一个人，你不需要靠别人，不需要理别人如何看你，不需要理别人对你感受，不需要为别人着想。这么说听起来很自私。可是这样你不会那么容易被伤害。同时你需要很坚强，自己面对一切，自己撑着，自己负责任。听起来很辛苦，可是这样你不需要依靠别人，不需要担心谁会背叛你。
当你面对挫折的时候，自己会学会度过难关，会得到经验，不要再让同样的事和人伤害自己。可是当你开始找到一个人让你依靠的时候，你会觉得自己是世界上最幸福的人。久而久之，自己忘了如何照顾自己，之前深深被埋藏小孩子的样子出现了。有时候，忘了自己其实还是需要一个人照顾。忘了被别人照顾的滋味。到了一段时间，爸妈就不能背着你，如果他们有选择，他们当然要一辈子看着自己的孩子长大。可是，这是不可能的。
你自己虽然得不到一个完整家庭的爱。可是你却不顾一身的为别人着想。你告诉我你自己不重要，可是你却愿意照顾我，愿意把我放在你心里最重要的位置。我一时反应不过来，因为从来没有人会对我这么说，也没有人有这个必要这么说。
我们的故事原来是那么的狗血，那么老套的爱情故事，虽然拮据我还不知道是怎么样，但我希望会好像通话故事‘从此过着美好的生活’的结局一样。 可是在现在的世界，去哪找这种结局？ 就算真的让我找到了，那又怎样，久了，不又一样会腻。
但是我现在的确是比以前开心了很多，我现在也发现到，原来我以前是那么的冷淡，对所有的东西都麻木了，对一切都失去了希望。我需要一个经历过比我多的人让我领悟到我其实不需要对这世界感到绝望。
这全部太完美了，令人有点难以置信。这全部来得太突然，我怕一时错过了，一切又将会消失。我担心我的一个决定，一个反应，会令这一切消失，就因为这样，自己太容易受影响。从前逼自己冷血，逼自己无视所有东西，对所有东西没有反应。
现在我很难做到，控制不了自己的情绪，控制不了自己的感觉。
~别对任何东西下定论~

love or hate

I don't know what to do.
I love it but now I kinda regret.
I've never done this before.
Honestly, I was a good student. Not those great results kind but atleast i am those that doesn't go against school rules and teachers.
But now.. there is no one to guide me and things are getting out of control.
We are happy together. I know that.
Atleast, i'm very happy. But i realise we bring the worst out of each other.
This is really bad. especially when both of us need guidance. WE know that we are gonna be havoc if there is nobody to coach us or at least guide us...
I have to stay on the right path.
But i know you don't care.

All pain no gain

We are just actors in the movies we direct and produce... Well not so much in production cause that is our parents job... We are just the script writers, hairstylist and basically everything else.... 

Every movie has its climax and plot.. Some characters you cant decide.... But some you can.... You can decide to let this person be in your life or you could just kick them out of your movie.... You can decide how big their role is.... But you cant decide how they play their role....however you could decide how you want to play your character..... Protagonist or antagonist.... It depends on the chapter you're at....

But now, im just a little character in my own story.... I have big decisions to make.... Which nobody seems to be able to help me.... Both my closest characters are giving me a hard time.... They say that they are supportive but they didn't know the amount  of stress they are putting on me..... There comes a time when i just want to leave everything... At first I'm glad for the plot twist in my story... I was like something exciting is happening but little did i know that plot twists comes with more script changes and more unexpected errors to face..... 

I'm really stressed because of this plot twist and because the characters are out of their mind....I have the thought of just tearing my script in to pieces..... Because thats how i feel right now....I'm torn into two pieces..... Between the one that I'm probably gonna spend the rest of my life and the other which has raised me up for the pass few years..... Both wants me to be theirs and i want to be theirs but..... How?????!!!

what comes next?

I always believe in what i think is right.. no matter how many people tells me that i'm wrong or that's not the best way...

I'll listen but i wont accept, i'll do what I believe it's correct.

one thing that i'm sure of is leaving my old school. 

i'm really happy in my new school. but of course there's the pressure for better grades since my parents found out that i'm in a relationship (Asian problems). Parents are really uptight about their kids dating.. 

Today is our second anniversary...we've been together for only 2 months but to me it feels like a long time.... this has been the longest to me.. and i'm surprised that i can hold it for this long....

i am not the patient type... but i just feel like this is still ok for me.... i can still handle it....but the thing is that I have to take care of my grades to make sure it's all distinction........ or else, my parents are going to help me change another school.....

my parents said that they will not stop me and they won't encourage me dating.......... 

i would like to say that i'm going to prove to them that i can date and at the same time keep my grades high....

but i know that is like a hard to achieve target....

so i won't say that out loud......

 

Not so cool after all

This  2 months has been one of the few highlights in my life.
Many people have ask me the same question which I don't have the answer in words.
I really don't know how you did it, but every time I see you, my frown turns upside down..
Even when I don't feel like smiling, my face just can't help it when I see you .
But come to think a bout it... You said you like me cause I treat you differently then others. I don't know if that's a Reason for you to like me.....
Well I parents are always saying that we should let them know what's happening in our lives, like keep them updated....
But turns out... They are not so cool about the idea of their daughter dating....
I don't know if this is called selfishness or just parents protecting their kids. 
But they say, is it worth it that they spent so much on me just to let some me be someone's wife.
Sooner or later I'm gonna be someone's wife, does that mean they don't want me to marry? 
What does that mean?
My parents ask me, why do I need a boyfriend during this time....
I was like...... It's college....... Well, at first I don't have any plans to get involve in a relationship.......but,shit happens...... And I don't know what's up.....I planned that if I was having a crush then just let it be a crush.... But he proposed! 
Who would be stupid enough to let that chance go???!!
How many times would you get to accept your crush's proposal??
But I tried to reason out with my parents...
I mean you guys were so cool with the last one... Any you guys were always talking about why did I not accept that guy...
You said he looks like an honest and mature guy......
An d said that this guy has too many sisters and those unclear relationship......
That previous guy was the right guy.. But at the wrong time........
I've had a lot of crushes..... And to know that feeling is very different from this one.....
I didn't even realize how I was acting until he told me that every time I saw him,I'm like smiling....
I don't know what happen....I admit it... He isn't the best looking..... But somehow, I fell for it.........
I'm really confused, my parents wanted to know, and I told them... And now they are acting all gross and disgusted at the idea of me having a boyfriend ..... I think they should calm down ... Cause if there is a next time.. They might have to meet my girlfriend's parents.......
My parents are in someways old fashion.... But they'll be like oh no! I'm modern... 
They look like or they thought they could accept something, but turns out they are not so keen on the idea of accepting new things......or their acceptance level is not what I expected........

Homeostasis

Definition of homeostasis is the property of a system in which variables are regulated so that internal conditions remain stable and relatively constant.
Plain English means to keep things the way it is....
I was sick and tired of my life in high school.... I wanted nothing but to leave that god forsaken place....and go somewhere....but I knew that if I left there...my friends and I are soon gonna be distance.... I try very hard to go back to meet them....because after awhile you'll start to miss those people.....
I got my wish... I left that place....where everything starts to turn ugly (u can read about it in last few post).... anyway, the point is I left.
I venture to a whole new foreign land alone.... Where I thought I could finally fit in.... A place where English was spoken everyday and everywhere... And I was kinda happy.... And also excited... I got to choose my own subject.... Something which I wanted badly since primary school...... I also got choose my own timing...like when to attend which class.... I met a few friends.... Which weren't very close... But, in a land where everything is new.. You would want somebody to be by your side.... Well..... Apparently, my friends which I have found has the same characteristic as my high school friends...we communicate in mandarin.... They listen to K-pop.... They watch Korean drama.... 
I guess somethings are meant to be.... I also did met a bunch of foreign friends.... Egyptian, Europeans, Arabian,Koreans and a lot of bananas..... But i felt more at ease when I'm with those K loving people.... Surprisingly... I know who and what they were talking about...
Not everything can stay unchanged....
I changed...
I realized that... I don't talk that much... I smile a lot more.... I laugh a lot too ( sometimes not sincerely)....and something that teachers have been trying to change for all these years in school... I'm more humble now....because I don't talk that much anymore....I guess...
I also met someone who let me realized how it feels talking to myself... The way and everything... Now I know how people feel when they talk to me.... I realized what a mess I was last time.... And the people who loved me or have a crush on me that time was the bravest of all...because you loved me and sacrifice for me when I was in my worst...and all I can say is.. You are a brave guy...I'll always remember u.. And of course you deserved better....
Other than that.... The classes here are still ok.... I bet if my friends came here, they'd laugh their asses off....cause everything here is a piece of cake to them....and I can honestly say that I have the smartest friend during high school.....even those which I always call them retards.... You guys make the people here look like kindergarten.......
Anyway.... I'm looking forward to everything.... I hope you guys are still well.... And I hope that we could meet up again.... And tell me all about the things that have been going on in the school....shocking news , gossips and things that I've missed out....

IF ANYTHING HAPPENS TO ME.

THIS IS A VERY IMPORTANT POST.
LAST FRIDAY (20 JUN 2014) THERE'S THIS CAR WHO KEEPS FOLLOWING ME, FROM THE UITM ROUND ABOUT.  I WAS COMING OUT FROM THE MCDONALD SIDE AND HE KEPT FOLLOWING ME UNTIL I TURNED 12 O'CLOCK. HE DROVE BESIDE ME AND KEPT STARING AT ME. THERE WAS SOMEONE IN THE PASSENGER SEAT BESIDE HIM. BOTH ARE INDIANS. AND THEY LOOK LIKE THEY'R GONNA CAUSE HARM TO ME. AND I WAS VERY SCARED. THEN SOMEWHERE I LOST HIM.
THEN YESTERDAY, THAT MEANS (24 JUN 2014) I SAW A VERY SUSPICIOUS CAR PARKED BESIDE THE SLOPE NEAR THE SHOP HOUSE TAKING PICTURES. THE CAR WAS A PROTON SAGA.
THERE'S 3 GUYS (ALSO INDIANS) *. TWO INFRONT AND 1 STANDING BEHIND. THERE'S THIS ONE GUY WITH LONG HAIR RESTING OR LEANING ON THE FRONT HOOD OF THE CAR AND THERE'S ANOTHER GUY HOLDING A DSLR CAMERA STANDING BESIDE THE DRIVER'S SEAT. WHILE I WAS COMING UP THE SLOPE, HE TOOK PICTURES DIRECTLY FACING MY DIRECTION. 
THEN A MINUTE OR TWO LATER I PARKED MY CAR AND WENT BACK TO THE SAME SPOT, THE CAR WAS GONE. NO ONE WAS THERE. 
I'M FREAKING SCARED RIGHT NOW. I AM GONNA CALL THE POLICE IF ANYTHING SUSPICIOUS HAPPENS TO ME AGAIN TODAY... OR I'M GOING NUTS.... IT'S DRIVING ME CRAZY!!!!
IF ANYONE'S READING THIS BLOG.... I'M GONNA NEED ALL THE HELP....
* I DON'T MEAN ANY OFFENSE JUST IN CASE.