its gonna end, i knew it

Things that lasts forever is either fake or untrue.
I've had enough of the lies, the quarrels, the fights and shit.
I know it's gonna end somewhere, some time.
I knew it, but I did nothing to stop it.
I don't know what to do.
I'm just gonna lay here.
I'm letting everyone walk over me.
It does not feel good.
But atleast everything is all covered up under the foot prints on my back.
I won't show any emotions,
I won't say anything.
no doubt that deep inside my heart is already shattered into pieces.
no doubt that I have a lot to tell you.
but i know any problem can be solved by expressing your doubt.
but all problems can also start from a single word.
but all i would say is that thanks for the memories.
thanks for the love and warmth you gave.
I have not shed a tear in many years, 
not since the doctor slap my butt when i first pop out of my mom.
i have faced all the barriers in life by confronting them.
but with you,
i have shed tears of joy and sadness.
i know it is gonna end when i started shedding more tears of sadness rather then tears of joy.
this is where things end.
I don't know how we are going to continue.
I can't even stand not seeing you one day.
how can i stand not seeing you everyday?
i just feel like when you are not around me, 
i completely can't have you.
you are always playing your game and watching movie.
when will you have time that fully belongs to me?
I know you have your life.
but you can't expect me to give you everything
and not expecting anything back.

so i guess this is it.

Nothing lasts forever

The good news is that nothing will last forever, bad days are not permanent
The bad news is that nothing lasts forever too, good times are also not permanent
I saw some where saying that when you are feeling down like someone is pulling you back that's because you are getting ready to be launch up, and that's where your bad days end and good things happen.
But do not forget, we are living on earth, gravity exist and therefore whatever goes up will eventually come down.
I know It is true, because now I feel that I'm living the 'up' life, and looking back at those old times, those are really some suffering time.
For almost 6 years, I felt like I'm being pulled back. I hope six years is enough to launch me high enough. I know not falling down will be impossible.
My dear, if you are reading this,
I know what's happening,
I'm just don't want to admit that I'm having a great time with you now
Because if I do, I don't know if it can last long or not, if yes then how long?
I don't want to end so quickly.
If it does, I want to end it in a special way.
Something worth remembering.

strangers, friends, lovers, strangers again

what could be the saddest thing in life?
i think that losing a friend is one of it.
well,
as many people said, 
in our life, there will be people entering and leaving.
some will leave sweat memories,
and some are here to help us not to make the same mistakes.
i am happy enough that we were once friend.
but even sadder thing is that once lovers, now strangers.
those sweat memories overweight those bad moments (i hope).
all forgotten, or forced to the back of the brain. 
think about all the things you've been through,
no matter friends or lovers.
how did you met?
when did you start to notice you two were as crazy as The Joker.
the time spent getting to know each other,
the time spent brewing your friendship.
the hardship gone through to maintain all that.
suddenly, one decides to just let go.
let everything go.
then everything is gone.
you would think that your friends have forgotten you.
but in actual fact.
did you let them know how to keep in touch with you?
everyone thinks you are dead.,
and those who know you are alive,
doesn't want anything to do with you.
although when meeting face to face in a gathering,
they seem to be okay, chatting and laughing away happily,
bringing back the old times.
suddenly you'll think that, everything is okay, they are not trying to avoid you,
they are just too busy to reply your messages. 

looks can be deceiving,
people have already warned me that,
you are leaving earlier then them, they will continue the rest of the semester without your presence.
they'll soon get use to the life without your presence and will soon forget you too.
i've seen that happen to those who left before me.
their names were mentioned once in a blue moon, when something specifically reminded them about those who left.
one or two sentence will be about them, then their named would remain buried until next time someone mentions something related to them and their name might or might not be mentioned too.
because their memories with us have become blurrish overtime. 

well now i guess that i'm already part of the 'dead'.

I'm all worn out

i'm tired.
i think i've had enough.
are you tired?
if so, 
what are you going to do?
just throw everything away and leave?
just leave everything behind?
just disappear?
just vanish?
who can do that?
please teach me.
i can't.
i'm tired of depending on others.
but i can't do anything for now.
i have to depend.
the only thing i don't have to depend on others,
is my happiness.
but, i'm sorry 
that is gone too.
my happiness now depends on you.
it's sad, that even the simplest thing i can't even decide myself.
you say i can.
if i can, i would've.
your presence would magically brighten my day.
no matter how moody you are.
i always appreciate your presence.
but, i don't like it,
wondering you are going to appear or not tomorrow.
others would think that we are only budding romance, nothing serious.
but, if you are seriously considering us to be together long enough...
i don't think this way is going to work.

you have been my ups for this mere few months of us being together.
i honestly have not felt this much joy ever.
and i honestly didn't know i could feel this much disappointment and pain.

it is sad 
but yet at the same time comforting,
to know that i'm not totally cold blooded.

but sometimes it is better to be cold blooded.

there's no such thing

remember those days, when the girls will stick to a group and gossip about boys and other stuffs?

remember those days, waking up early in the morning, going to school, hoping for which teacher is on leave, waiting for recess, then finally looking forward to go home.

remember those days, where today was the first day of school, and soon it is final exam, then later we are older by one year, and after that we are preparing for graduation and the big big last exam.

remember the day, when we knew we are going to separate soon? or at least i knew i was gonna be the first one leaving. we even made all sorts of stupid promises, about making movies together and music videos and all those other stuffs. 

well everyone knew very well that it was never gonna happen, but i was naive enough to believe that all of that would somehow magically come true. 

i was naive enough that when everyone said "keep in touch" they truly meant it. 

i was naive enough to believe that those we called "sisters" and BFFs are gonna last.

clearly i should've known that everything is going to magically disappear and being forgotten. 

no one would want to bring up old stories about themselves doing stupid stuffs and saying stupid things. 

i was being warned that by leaving the school the earliest and having no really close buds, things are gonna get awkward and I am soon gonna be forgotten.

well, i should've just accepted it, but i was hoping to have a different outcome. 

anyway, I've accepted that i'm no long part of the old click, since i left school the second earliest. 

i have always wondered, the girl who left the earliest and she has always been the center of our gossip topic have since gotten so close with  you guys.

well, i guess i can't question everything.

i must well as just accept the fact that i have moved on, faced a new bunch of people and also its kinda my fault that i did not take the initiative to participate in any activities. 

well, anyhow, i still wish all of my friends, sisters, clicks, buddies, whatever you guys call it now, good luck in your future, if anytime soon, i would love to catch up and know whats been going on.

很久以前

如果那时没有决心要离开, 我就不会知道原来世界还是有希望的。
我不知道一个人是可以更开心的，可是同时也可以更伤心。
当你自己一个人，你不需要靠别人，不需要理别人如何看你，不需要理别人对你感受，不需要为别人着想。这么说听起来很自私。可是这样你不会那么容易被伤害。同时你需要很坚强，自己面对一切，自己撑着，自己负责任。听起来很辛苦，可是这样你不需要依靠别人，不需要担心谁会背叛你。
当你面对挫折的时候，自己会学会度过难关，会得到经验，不要再让同样的事和人伤害自己。可是当你开始找到一个人让你依靠的时候，你会觉得自己是世界上最幸福的人。久而久之，自己忘了如何照顾自己，之前深深被埋藏小孩子的样子出现了。有时候，忘了自己其实还是需要一个人照顾。忘了被别人照顾的滋味。到了一段时间，爸妈就不能背着你，如果他们有选择，他们当然要一辈子看着自己的孩子长大。可是，这是不可能的。
你自己虽然得不到一个完整家庭的爱。可是你却不顾一身的为别人着想。你告诉我你自己不重要，可是你却愿意照顾我，愿意把我放在你心里最重要的位置。我一时反应不过来，因为从来没有人会对我这么说，也没有人有这个必要这么说。
我们的故事原来是那么的狗血，那么老套的爱情故事，虽然拮据我还不知道是怎么样，但我希望会好像通话故事‘从此过着美好的生活’的结局一样。 可是在现在的世界，去哪找这种结局？ 就算真的让我找到了，那又怎样，久了，不又一样会腻。
但是我现在的确是比以前开心了很多，我现在也发现到，原来我以前是那么的冷淡，对所有的东西都麻木了，对一切都失去了希望。我需要一个经历过比我多的人让我领悟到我其实不需要对这世界感到绝望。
这全部太完美了，令人有点难以置信。这全部来得太突然，我怕一时错过了，一切又将会消失。我担心我的一个决定，一个反应，会令这一切消失，就因为这样，自己太容易受影响。从前逼自己冷血，逼自己无视所有东西，对所有东西没有反应。
现在我很难做到，控制不了自己的情绪，控制不了自己的感觉。
~别对任何东西下定论~

love or hate

I don't know what to do.
I love it but now I kinda regret.
I've never done this before.
Honestly, I was a good student. Not those great results kind but atleast i am those that doesn't go against school rules and teachers.
But now.. there is no one to guide me and things are getting out of control.
We are happy together. I know that.
Atleast, i'm very happy. But i realise we bring the worst out of each other.
This is really bad. especially when both of us need guidance. WE know that we are gonna be havoc if there is nobody to coach us or at least guide us...
I have to stay on the right path.
But i know you don't care.