How love works

I wonder what it is all bout where people take the comfort of knowing that some people in the world might be reading this. Although we have not met face to face but if you have read all of my post (which I don't even dare to read my own first post) I guess you know me better than any of the real physical friends I have surrounding me. 

A lot have changed since the last post. 

I have left the old life behind me, 

I have left what used to be me, behind me too.

I am done pleasing people and accepting orders from others.

I am done with changing myself to pretend that I am someone else.

and I am glad to finally say that people who are with me now,

are really with me. 

Although I don't really know who I am and what my purpose in life is (well who really does know anyway) but I can say it is much free-er living like this. 

but this post was not meant to be about what I've become but rather at how love works.

It all starts with this phase where both of you are developing feelings for each other and think that you might have a thing for each other.

At this phase, it is totally up to you, if you wanna show who you are or who he/she thinks you are.

It is very important, because as everyone says "you want them to love you for who you are" 

if you are portraying a persona at this phase and you do end up together, how long can you keep this persona up? 

So at this stage both of you are still trying to figure out each other. 

some might take it slow, like go on a few dates 

some might take it real fast, like bang it out first and go official and then take the time to figure each other out.

so either way, both of you are still fresh in this newly developed human relationship.

There are lots of things that both of you are considering, like...

compatibility, communication style, characteristic, personality, sense of humor, interaction level....

and such

so the common symptoms of those would be...

constant texting, going out, video communications, phone calls, late night meetings (which includes texting, calling and many more), having butterflies, putting extra effort for the date (to bring out what kind of person you want your date to think you are)

all these are curiosity of this new found interest

so soon after that both of you agree to be "official" so to say have the label boyfriend and girlfriend.

and then you realized the texting frequency gets slower, calls are less frequent, dates become just lunch and dinner or doesn't even show up on time, birthday surprises are just calling to wish you and no more reminders of 100-day anniversaries. 

this is where problem arises, one of you might think that your partner is putting in less effort or even not interested anymore and the other doesn't think that this is a problem. 

and instead of talking it out both of you just use passive aggressive statements to hint each other because he/she told you that you were over reacting when he/she forgot a 3rd year anniversary or that he/she was just out with friends that's why they replied late.

so what has changed? just because of the label that comes along with being officially together?

well yes because along with the label it comes with responsibilities and the meaning of being officially together. in another words the "commitment". 

So before being officially together both of you are like two fish in the sea. 

Anything can happen to both of you that can affect your outcome. 

you can get caught by a fisherman, get eaten by some bigger fish, get sweep away with current...

so it doesn't necessarily mean that both of you will end up together. 

you might find some incompatibility, or you might think that you are better being friends, or he/she might find someone else, or it could be distance problems. 

there are risks there. 

so that's why both of you are trying to maximize the outcome. that is if both of you really like each other and is really hoping to somehow end up together.

so all the constant texting and meet up is to really check in with each other that both of you are on the same path. 

until you two end up officially together it is like being in a fish tank with a limited number of fish in it.

so there is no where else to run or get caught and the whole fish tank knows that these two fish is together. like how your friends and family knows your partner. 

so now the risk is not there anymore. or should I say that unpredictable risk from external cause is not there anymore. 

so now whatever that happens it is totally your own doing. while you are in a fish tank on display it is up to you to control your behavior and since you know fairly well that you are committed to someone you also know not to flirt around. 

So this is where trust comes in, in a relationship. because there is no external risk but rather all actions are choices of both of you. That is where both of you expect that you will know what you should and should not do. and it doesn't matter how much effort you put into it because if the other person wants out of the relationship there is nothing you can do about it. it's his/her/it's choice after all.

leftovers

After looking through my old posts,
There is a one year gap suddenly.
But I do realize a trend.
Most of my post are about how I don't feel like I fit in to any groups and being left out
Till now I still can't figure out why.
Teenager problems?
I guess but maybe not
I have tried changing myself to the point where I can be who ever I want depending on who I am with
till I have lost my own character. 
When I finally stop pretending around people I feel that we are totally different and I start to drift away
and that leads to them not inviting me for shits.
I am not odd for not being able to mix with people.
I just don't know why it takes so much effort for me to socialize around. 
and I don't know when will all those quotes about friendships apply to me.
I'm just tired of making friends and thinking we can really be friends
then it turns out they were just pretending to be your friends
and they secretly hate your guts
I'm really tired of trying to find for people that can clique and worrying bout how they will see you.

#teenagerprobs 

TRAITORS!

I wish this was a lie or a prank but I know very well it is not
I know we have grown apart after I left high school
I have my life but I never stopped wondering what happened to you all
I know things have changed after I left high school
and it was for the better
but I really don't know why it had to change this way
I wanted to ask what was it that I do to make you all react this way
but I didn't want to ask during the gathering because things would go awkward or sour
I really wanted to ask and to know what is wrong
I wanted to convince my self that you all still matter to me
but clearly with this incident I know where I stand
and no matter how important you all matter to me
I am a nobody to you.
I have passed through the phases of betrayal
Denying that I have been betrayed and you all went behind my back for god knows what reason
Angry about you all for intentionally leaving me and being so open about it to other people but at the same time keeping me in the dark
I guess you could say that if I don't even know that I am being left out without other people telling me so it could be that I don't really care enough to be in the group??
The revenge phase, I have tried to come up with revenge plans but so far nothing came up its like I am not even trying. 
I know it is childish to posted passive aggressive messages to anonymous people and trying to be mysterious about it. but what I am doing now is nothing different.
I know you all have access to this blog but I highly doubt you all would see this post cause I am sure you all have forgotten there is a whole other language besides Mandarin. 
But I guess after venting here I have come to a resolution.
It is that I value all the times we had together and I understand what is gone is gone and I won't dwell on the past. 
Everyone has matured (well atleast I have so that I could stop all this childish shit) and we all have our own lives to deal with I would not bother to find out what happened that caused you all to do what you all have done. 

Ungodly hour

The shelf creaked ever so slightly, but I can hear it. The heater's slow and steady humming from the generator is more obvious than ever. What a calm night. My own regular breathing is the only thing making sure that I am still awake at 3:30 in the morning. I am alone with my thoughts. Not even the horny cats are accompanying me tonight. I am alone once again. Even though there is someone whom loves you, there will still be a time when not even your parents or loved ones could protect you. You are left unguarded against your greatest enemy. The thought which were being pushed to the back of your mind, finds a way to sneak into your consciousness. The pain, the regrets, the guilt, the sadness flows back slowly eating your anger away. The despair and the gaps that no one could ever fil, not even the biggest blackest dick, has started to eat you alive. I no longer am myself, I no longer can hold on to it anymore. I suppose I should blame this ungodly hour that led me to such desperate and vulnerable thoughts. I suppose when the daylight resumes I should be back to normal, I should be the one with a cheerful mask that doesn't let anyone worry about me. I should be grateful for many things and I should be happy.

 But the problem is how. Is it my fault that I don't know how? 

I am sorry.

I really don't know how. 

I tried but...
It isn't working for long term. 
It is not the fear of losing, it is not the fear of being alone. 
I do not know what is, there's just the emptyness, the void like the whole world is just waiting for me to break and yet here I am, still here. 
I would rather just break, but I can't. It is more painful to bend with the force and follow as it shapes you. You start losing yourself, you are what you have become because of what happen. 
Is that who you are? Is that who I am? 
No.
I will break everyone does.
I already have cracks here and there. 
When is it ending? 

I did not see that coming

Monday 17/8/16

3:00pm

Its another day of boring lectures, I have arrived at the university earlier to finish my assignments and some weekly quizzes and also to do some last minute preparations for the lectures later. It has been a long day with assignments. It was my first year, and I was still struggling with citations and referencing, the lecturers here are very anal about this shit. All the assignments were 5 pages long, about 5000 words. I was almost suffocating. 

I was sitting in the lecture hall, the lecturer keeps going on and on and on, from time to time she keeps reminding us of our shit pile of assignments and our due date. I was like 'calm the fuck down please, the dateline was October and its only August'. I could hear groans from the back of the hall and people leaving. 

Well thank goodness that after all this I am looking forward to the second meeting of the Drama club. I wonder what games were we gonna play. It was a part time hobby which could take my mind off of assignments. Although Drama was a very time consuming hobby and it takes commitment if I were to take it seriously. But all I wanted was something to take my mind off assignments and any other problems I was having. Because in Drama Club, nobody knew who I was and nobody knew who my friends were. It was a new place where I could just relax before I start hating people in there. 

6:00pm

I strolled out of the lecture hall, the sky was getting darker. It seemed like I have spent an eternity in the lecture hall. The last time I saw the sun was after my lunch break and since then I had to bid farewell to the warm sun. The night welcomed me with a light breeze in my face, it felt refreshing but my face was already numbed in the freezing lecture hall. I walked towards the stairs leading to the basement while waving goodbye to some friends going the different direction. I walked down the stairs and into our meeting place. It seemed like a very secretive place where an unofficial gathering of secret society would be held.

But surprisingly it was quite noisy at the basement. I passed by The Christian Association and i lightly scoffed, I heard hymns blasting through the pathetic computer speaker trying to be metal or rock music. It seems like it was their first meeting and they were welcoming the newbies. I reached the lecture hall 6003, I saw two guys I met during the first meeting and I sat 2 seats away from them. So that I could face them when I wanted to talk to them and turn the other way when I don't want to talk to them. We chatted awhile, they were asking about the grouping up for our upcoming performance and I agreed that we could form a group, what could go wrong a group with Chinese, Russian and Sri Lankan. Just as we were talking two other people sat behind us, well might as well talk to them since the dude behind me sounds like he knows what he is doing. I turned around and said Hi, well he was friendly, but the other dude not wearing a cap beside him was in his own little world staring at god knows what, he glanced at me for a second and continued staring at something. 

The meeting started and we were distributed to different groups. I was in the same group as the friendly dude wearing a cap. I have to admit that the games they played was a bit immature and stupid, it doesn't really serve any purpose in Drama/ Theater training. Well all of them are not professionals like the trainers we got back in high school. Nonetheless I still went with it. Finally the game was over and i was sitting at the last row talking to the Cap dude about grouping up. He suggested that we could form our own group I agreed but I told him I have friends joining us and he was cool with it and said if I was ok with his friend joining or not. I had no preference and our group needed team members. While people were moving to their own groups I was having a texting war. I got pissed and decided to not reply anymore, I decided the something much more interesting is happening here anyway. 

Soon we were discussing about what genres we were gonna perform and weird ideas came out. I was hoping not romance because if I were the audience I would fall asleep. Well in the end it was sorta not romance genre but I sure did put in more commitment than I ever intended to. I gained something else which made all the commitment that I put in worthwhile and I cannot be more pleased with the outcome. Not just our performance but every other thing. The process to the final performance was one of a kind, not like any other rehearsals I've had and of course the result had a huge impact till today. (No, it's not the Cap dude, it was his friend who at first just only took a glance at me.)

unique but not rare

Have you ever thought that we are all different? and sometimes you just don't find anyone who shares the same things with you? in some aspects both of you are totally the same, but sometimes you will just feel that you don't really know that person at all. 
Then there are times where you just feel like you can't or don't feel that you fit in to anywhere. 
No matter which group of friends you mix with, you just don't really belong?
When you tell anyone that, they will just say that everyone is unique in their way.
this makes us feel better, to know that we are unique that's why we can't fit with some people.
this makes us feel special, that no one is another copy of us, or not exact copy.
but in actual fact, everyone is unique. just not RARE.

don't be too happy when they say that you are unique.
because if you wanna feel special, you have to be rare.
truth is, everyone is unique. so it really doesn't make a difference if you are unique in your way.

i have always been thinking that all of us are the same.
we end up the same - dead.
we start the same - sperm finds egg and boom! u start of with an asshole...
our lives are the same just a slight difference in your family financial status and background.
poor - work when younger
rich - work when older.
we have to face the same thing sooner or later. we gain the same experience sooner or later.

no one is truly unique, i have always felt this way.
but i just didn't know how to properly convey the message.
everyone keeps telling me how we are all special and unique.
but now i understand, to be truly special you should be rare.
being unique is just not enough.

how do you consider as being rare?
Smart people fill the streets, be the smartest, Hopkins is rare, not just because of the disease and the fact that he founded some theory.
Dont worry that only famous people are rare.
dumb people fill the streets, be the dumbest. nobody have done it so i have no examples. 
Rare is a very difficult level to achieve, you could be rare but you might be so rare that no one has ever seen people as rare as you and they might be afraid of you.
they might distant themselves from you, they might call you weird, they might say you are stupid.

Unique is not rare,

Unique doesn't mean useful,

Unique doesn't mean new.

We are unique

its almost 5 in the morning. Yes I know I should go to sleep, or take a snap in the dark with the time showing 5:37am to show everyone how I am not asleep yet.
He told me I was a pessimist in life and therefore stayed till 5 in the morning to show me how unique we all are. And because of his experience I think that he is just curious that wether they would end up banging or not that's why I kept trying to make him see why only this "what if" is bugging him.
But either way, I am still glad that he is who he is now. Although I don't know who he was previously. Well I don't know about me and I would love that somebody could tell me.
Since young, I already know that I don't really fit anywhere. And I don't need to fit anywhere. But I blame all this on the theory of  'everyone is unique'. I am sure that there are a bunch of you guys feeling the same. Like you don't fit anywhere, like you don't belong, like what the fuck are you even doing here. Because everyone is unique, grouping is basically non existence. You could feel like you fit into many different groups but not truly belonging to any of them.
I know that many of you teenagers or even adults don't even know why you are here. Just cause your parents were horny one night. Well I know my purpose, I am born after my grandad died, to keep my grandma occupied, to keep her mind off of her spouse. But what happens after my grandma died? What is my purpose now? You could say that is good that I have a purpose in life, it would be sad to not have any purpose. But it would also be good that you are not just living for somebody. What is the thing that keeps you going?
You could just disappear and life would continue, maybe people would take a day or two for ur funeral but then life goes on.
Some people spend their whole life wondering why, what's the reason behind. Not everyone can leave a mark in this world.
But I do appreciate you trying to make me feel unique. We do have this urge to compare with people around us. But I do love it when you tell me that I am soemthing different from your exs. It helps. But that won't solve the big problem. Yes I know many of you are gonna tell me that 'your future self will tell you everything's gonna be alright'
But I can't stand that. Suddenly you wake up and I'm not here. Things would still go on as usual.
You don't have that big impact. Even if you are some big shot, you die then you die. World goes on. Falling things will continue to hit the ground. Yes yes I know that my name is Joy and I should be fucking joyful n cheerful, full of like and glowing sunshine.

Everyone is unique, there is no uniqueness now.