All pain no gain

We are just actors in the movies we direct and produce... Well not so much in production cause that is our parents job... We are just the script writers, hairstylist and basically everything else.... 

Every movie has its climax and plot.. Some characters you cant decide.... But some you can.... You can decide to let this person be in your life or you could just kick them out of your movie.... You can decide how big their role is.... But you cant decide how they play their role....however you could decide how you want to play your character..... Protagonist or antagonist.... It depends on the chapter you're at....

But now, im just a little character in my own story.... I have big decisions to make.... Which nobody seems to be able to help me.... Both my closest characters are giving me a hard time.... They say that they are supportive but they didn't know the amount  of stress they are putting on me..... There comes a time when i just want to leave everything... At first I'm glad for the plot twist in my story... I was like something exciting is happening but little did i know that plot twists comes with more script changes and more unexpected errors to face..... 

I'm really stressed because of this plot twist and because the characters are out of their mind....I have the thought of just tearing my script in to pieces..... Because thats how i feel right now....I'm torn into two pieces..... Between the one that I'm probably gonna spend the rest of my life and the other which has raised me up for the pass few years..... Both wants me to be theirs and i want to be theirs but..... How?????!!!

what comes next?

I always believe in what i think is right.. no matter how many people tells me that i'm wrong or that's not the best way...

I'll listen but i wont accept, i'll do what I believe it's correct.

one thing that i'm sure of is leaving my old school. 

i'm really happy in my new school. but of course there's the pressure for better grades since my parents found out that i'm in a relationship (Asian problems). Parents are really uptight about their kids dating.. 

Today is our second anniversary...we've been together for only 2 months but to me it feels like a long time.... this has been the longest to me.. and i'm surprised that i can hold it for this long....

i am not the patient type... but i just feel like this is still ok for me.... i can still handle it....but the thing is that I have to take care of my grades to make sure it's all distinction........ or else, my parents are going to help me change another school.....

my parents said that they will not stop me and they won't encourage me dating.......... 

i would like to say that i'm going to prove to them that i can date and at the same time keep my grades high....

but i know that is like a hard to achieve target....

so i won't say that out loud......

 

Not so cool after all

This  2 months has been one of the few highlights in my life.
Many people have ask me the same question which I don't have the answer in words.
I really don't know how you did it, but every time I see you, my frown turns upside down..
Even when I don't feel like smiling, my face just can't help it when I see you .
But come to think a bout it... You said you like me cause I treat you differently then others. I don't know if that's a Reason for you to like me.....
Well I parents are always saying that we should let them know what's happening in our lives, like keep them updated....
But turns out... They are not so cool about the idea of their daughter dating....
I don't know if this is called selfishness or just parents protecting their kids. 
But they say, is it worth it that they spent so much on me just to let some me be someone's wife.
Sooner or later I'm gonna be someone's wife, does that mean they don't want me to marry? 
What does that mean?
My parents ask me, why do I need a boyfriend during this time....
I was like...... It's college....... Well, at first I don't have any plans to get involve in a relationship.......but,shit happens...... And I don't know what's up.....I planned that if I was having a crush then just let it be a crush.... But he proposed! 
Who would be stupid enough to let that chance go???!!
How many times would you get to accept your crush's proposal??
But I tried to reason out with my parents...
I mean you guys were so cool with the last one... Any you guys were always talking about why did I not accept that guy...
You said he looks like an honest and mature guy......
An d said that this guy has too many sisters and those unclear relationship......
That previous guy was the right guy.. But at the wrong time........
I've had a lot of crushes..... And to know that feeling is very different from this one.....
I didn't even realize how I was acting until he told me that every time I saw him,I'm like smiling....
I don't know what happen....I admit it... He isn't the best looking..... But somehow, I fell for it.........
I'm really confused, my parents wanted to know, and I told them... And now they are acting all gross and disgusted at the idea of me having a boyfriend ..... I think they should calm down ... Cause if there is a next time.. They might have to meet my girlfriend's parents.......
My parents are in someways old fashion.... But they'll be like oh no! I'm modern... 
They look like or they thought they could accept something, but turns out they are not so keen on the idea of accepting new things......or their acceptance level is not what I expected........

Homeostasis

Definition of homeostasis is the property of a system in which variables are regulated so that internal conditions remain stable and relatively constant.
Plain English means to keep things the way it is....
I was sick and tired of my life in high school.... I wanted nothing but to leave that god forsaken place....and go somewhere....but I knew that if I left there...my friends and I are soon gonna be distance.... I try very hard to go back to meet them....because after awhile you'll start to miss those people.....
I got my wish... I left that place....where everything starts to turn ugly (u can read about it in last few post).... anyway, the point is I left.
I venture to a whole new foreign land alone.... Where I thought I could finally fit in.... A place where English was spoken everyday and everywhere... And I was kinda happy.... And also excited... I got to choose my own subject.... Something which I wanted badly since primary school...... I also got choose my own timing...like when to attend which class.... I met a few friends.... Which weren't very close... But, in a land where everything is new.. You would want somebody to be by your side.... Well..... Apparently, my friends which I have found has the same characteristic as my high school friends...we communicate in mandarin.... They listen to K-pop.... They watch Korean drama.... 
I guess somethings are meant to be.... I also did met a bunch of foreign friends.... Egyptian, Europeans, Arabian,Koreans and a lot of bananas..... But i felt more at ease when I'm with those K loving people.... Surprisingly... I know who and what they were talking about...
Not everything can stay unchanged....
I changed...
I realized that... I don't talk that much... I smile a lot more.... I laugh a lot too ( sometimes not sincerely)....and something that teachers have been trying to change for all these years in school... I'm more humble now....because I don't talk that much anymore....I guess...
I also met someone who let me realized how it feels talking to myself... The way and everything... Now I know how people feel when they talk to me.... I realized what a mess I was last time.... And the people who loved me or have a crush on me that time was the bravest of all...because you loved me and sacrifice for me when I was in my worst...and all I can say is.. You are a brave guy...I'll always remember u.. And of course you deserved better....
Other than that.... The classes here are still ok.... I bet if my friends came here, they'd laugh their asses off....cause everything here is a piece of cake to them....and I can honestly say that I have the smartest friend during high school.....even those which I always call them retards.... You guys make the people here look like kindergarten.......
Anyway.... I'm looking forward to everything.... I hope you guys are still well.... And I hope that we could meet up again.... And tell me all about the things that have been going on in the school....shocking news , gossips and things that I've missed out....

IF ANYTHING HAPPENS TO ME.

THIS IS A VERY IMPORTANT POST.
LAST FRIDAY (20 JUN 2014) THERE'S THIS CAR WHO KEEPS FOLLOWING ME, FROM THE UITM ROUND ABOUT.  I WAS COMING OUT FROM THE MCDONALD SIDE AND HE KEPT FOLLOWING ME UNTIL I TURNED 12 O'CLOCK. HE DROVE BESIDE ME AND KEPT STARING AT ME. THERE WAS SOMEONE IN THE PASSENGER SEAT BESIDE HIM. BOTH ARE INDIANS. AND THEY LOOK LIKE THEY'R GONNA CAUSE HARM TO ME. AND I WAS VERY SCARED. THEN SOMEWHERE I LOST HIM.
THEN YESTERDAY, THAT MEANS (24 JUN 2014) I SAW A VERY SUSPICIOUS CAR PARKED BESIDE THE SLOPE NEAR THE SHOP HOUSE TAKING PICTURES. THE CAR WAS A PROTON SAGA.
THERE'S 3 GUYS (ALSO INDIANS) *. TWO INFRONT AND 1 STANDING BEHIND. THERE'S THIS ONE GUY WITH LONG HAIR RESTING OR LEANING ON THE FRONT HOOD OF THE CAR AND THERE'S ANOTHER GUY HOLDING A DSLR CAMERA STANDING BESIDE THE DRIVER'S SEAT. WHILE I WAS COMING UP THE SLOPE, HE TOOK PICTURES DIRECTLY FACING MY DIRECTION. 
THEN A MINUTE OR TWO LATER I PARKED MY CAR AND WENT BACK TO THE SAME SPOT, THE CAR WAS GONE. NO ONE WAS THERE. 
I'M FREAKING SCARED RIGHT NOW. I AM GONNA CALL THE POLICE IF ANYTHING SUSPICIOUS HAPPENS TO ME AGAIN TODAY... OR I'M GOING NUTS.... IT'S DRIVING ME CRAZY!!!!
IF ANYONE'S READING THIS BLOG.... I'M GONNA NEED ALL THE HELP....
* I DON'T MEAN ANY OFFENSE JUST IN CASE.

please kill me

At first I thought of writing this post in Chinese.
but If i really did, it would take me years to complete it..
I realise that after leaving my school,
I would never really use Chinese language again...
No more writing crazy essays that I never understood.
No more Chinese lesson that would make me crazy..
and no more Chinese homework that I never do on my own...
It's not like I hate Chinese language...
it's my mother tongue but It's very difficult to master.
My friend asked me is it racist to say that Chinese speaks the Ching-Chong language?
Come to think of it, i feel kinda sad that I would not be using it as frequently as now.
Last Saturday, I met up with some old friends.
I'm kinda glad that they still remember me...
And i'm also kinda glad that they have bonded with my arch enemy.
You would think that it was weird, that I would be glad they've bonded.
But you know it's better to have one less enemy...

Well I hope that you all are living your life...
and make the correct decision...
I'll see you guys soon...if you guys can still remember me...
You guys are the reason my high school years are filled with craziness and stupidness...

looking back, it was like yesterday was my first day in school.
and I was looking for my class...
I was so relieved that I saw some of the familiar faces from primary school.
Then suddenly, here I was, my last day in that crazy school.
I still can't believe that I was out in this world...
it's not the same like last time...
because this time, I came out first....
and all my friends are not here with me...
So it's like i'm stark naked alone in this big world..
it was exciting and fun..

well guys, I hope that I still have the chance to see you all again~
be safe...

just some cheesy feelings....

Well Monday was my last day in school.
I should have brought a camera.
I went to finish my documents in private..
and only some of the closest friend know what was happening.
I was kinda sad that when they were so calm....
but well I guess that's a good thing to...
I don't expect them to be crying and stuff...
I don't need them to dwell over it...
I guess I should've notice that my time was up..
when I got a new seat, beside a guy who tries to be friendly...
I'm really sorry to that guy, nothing personal..
It's just that I don't usually talk to people like you about my personal things...
You might find it hard to believe..but...
It was quite difficult for me,
since my everyday life basically surrounds my four friends..
we were like a sitcom..well, atleast that's what I thought.
so, when I got a new seat it was kinda weird...
it seems like I'm out of my world..
I'm out of Earth and living in Mars..
I try very hard to get back to Earth but...
you know earth has an Ozone layer which is kinda hard to get through..

I always say that school was boring...
but thanks to my four friends and the one who's always cooks cheesy egg.
I always manage to get through my day...
Although sometimes I let my temper get the better of me,
you guys still put up with my quirky ways and bad temper...
I know that you guys won't understand maybe half of the words here...
but I'll try to write the next in Mandarin...
It won't be as touching as this post.
but I'll do my best to try to express my feelings that I usually don't say out loud.
I've always believed that quality is more important than quantity...
and that's why I trust that I just need these few friends that can be trusted..
rather than a bunch of fair weathered friends....

I don't know bout you guys..
but I've always trusted you all...
I've never doubted you guys..
well sometimes. but not always only the right time....
anyway...
this Sunday, I'll be going on my last class trip...
and I pray that everything will go smoothly..
I meant not the road which can cause accidents..
well....
my next post will be after my class trip...
and those will be dedicated* to my few close friends...

*meaning, specially for.

misunderstood

there comes a time when everything goes very very wrong.
and nothing you do seem to fix them...
whatever you say just doesn't make things right.
people you know will just turn their back towards you.
it's like the dark clouds are following you forever ..
and you are stuck in the world of bad luck..
all the choices you make doesn't seem right at all..
well if you are going through those things...
you should just hang tight, hold on to a hand rail...
cause it's just a roller coaster going up hill....
when you look back you'll see that it's the fun part of your life...

i know i make bad choices and bad decision.
but i don't regret things..like not right after i do it...
takes awhile to let it sink in then i'll say i won't regret it....
but you know...
since no one from the future came back to stop me...
so how bad could it be....

well everyone has a dream...
i dreamed of being a movie star and a singer...
but well i don't think it's coming true....
because i'm afraid to leave my comfort zone...
i'm just waiting for someone to realize that i could be an actress....
but well....guess i'm gonna forget bout it....
after all they say follow your dreams....
but dreams only appear when you fall asleep....

i hope that the choices i make will not destroy mankind..
or even put the earth in danger....
or else i'll be the villain...
anyway,
to those who are reading...
good luck in your life...
don't regret anything....
unless you married the wrong person...
then you should regret about it...
and then get a divorce... as soon as possible....

not so into it

well,
looks like everyone is starting to abandon facebook....
and the new checking your facebook everyday is now NOT checking your facebook everyday...
i don't know watsup with everybody...
but i feel like everyone's busy....
busy with their life...
while i'm happily on my holiday....
free and easy.....
with people i love and place i like.....
now everyday i'm just playing by the seaside....
i've used about 2 bottles of sunscreen..
i hope i don't get sun burned like last time....
well....
again....
everyone's like not touching the internet or just trying to get away from me....
but just so you know....
i'll soon disappear from beside you....
i won't be there everyday to provide you with sarcasm and hate...
so....
yeah..
i hope that when i'm gone you will remember me....
i want you all to be happy, but at the same time remember me....
i don't want y'all to be sad but just remember me.....
i hope people remember me as the ever loving, kind and sophisticated girl...
that i'm not....
but whatever it is.. just remember me... use your own way...
cause you'll never know when you will need my help,
or when will i need your help....

hearts, kisses, chocolate, flowers, valentines and stuffs but not teachers

not long to valentine.
well some will be happy and excited..
and at the same time there will also be some people not so excited...

well myself,
i won't get my hopes too high....
the higher your hopes...
the more disappointed you'll be....

anyways,
i think maybe it's because of valentines day,
some off our teacher have been quite perky and high strung.
some little teensy weensy bit will just set their timer off..
they are like those time bombs that will explode at anytime...
a lot of teachers are like in a very bad mood....
maybe they are like mad at their husband....
or..
just mad that the students are receiving presents and not them...
they could also be mad that they have no one to celebrate valentines day...
so, warning to students!
be extra careful during these few days..
before and after valentines sad and upset teachers will appear.

to those with partners,
happy valentines.
and to those who haven't found their significant other,
i will also wish you happy valentines and kisses..
so that you could run off and show off to your friends that they are not the only one who gets sweet messages from their boyfriends....

anyways,

happy valentines.

Demons and Satan

Everyone has an angel and a demon inside....
I just realize that my angel is between a demon and a satan...
But my faith is still unshaken...
I know I may not go to heaven
And I won't be easily beaten 
For I have reawaken 
From my previous engagement.

I went to the silent graveyard...
Sat by a tombstone
And waited for the twilight zone
I was all alone
Staring at my phone
I might be waiting to hear my ring tone
But I knew what I had was all gone.

The chilly wind cut my face like a sharp knife....
You could hear the leaves rustling...
It was a quiet night,
No howling wolves or owls giving you those beady looks.
I just need a place to get away.
To let my mind rest in peace and quiet...
I felt comfortable in this cemetery.
It's like my own get away spa resort.

The moon is like my night light,
Just slightly above me,
Giving out a glow,
Not to bright,
But bright enough for me to explore my thoughts.
The tombstone I'm leaning on feels cool
And the grass is a bit moist.
Just the right position..
I'm comfy and cosy.
Time to see the result of the fight between Demons, Satan and Angel.

Problems we have

For starters,

This year is getting kinda old and stale.....

Things are not going as smoothly as everybody thought...

It's gonna be Hitler Nazi once again....

No place to stand and give an opinion....

Not even the slightest spot of idea....

What's this all about?

I'm in the Yearbook Committee...

And I'm suppose to be part of the design and layout group....

But,

It looks like they r taking over everything,

And I can only do what they tell me....

I'm part of the group and I should be involve with the discussion....

I should be able to decide and vote on the things which r best for the year book....

But right  now....

I don't feel like part of the group....

Like u r just asking me to do this n that...

I hv not done any fucking designing or any layout.....

I haven't even gave and opinion...

You'd say that I could've given my thoughts...

But let me ask you, 

Did you even gave me chance to say my idea?

I joined this group 

be coz I enjoy doing this kind of stuff...

But with a leader like you,

I don't think I could work with you.....

And with your group leader weaker than my strand of hair....

I think the group would soon fall apart....

Like a deck of badly stacked cards.....
I don't mean anything bad...
But we need a way to save this communist thinking.....
Stop this Nazi camp...
I am glad to give my opinion...
Even if you decide not to use it.....
But if u keep hogging all d stuff for ur own,
U r gonna break ur hands eventually.

Nothing is a problem...
Until the leader becomes the problem....
Then, it is a huge problem.

new year new me.. bullshit!

so, here it is.

new comers to show biz.

i started first day with a pop quiz.

which i finish it with ease...

today is 2014.

i'm becoming a teen.

because i'm eighteen.

i bought a bag of jelly bean

and gave it to an old friend named Eugene.

he gave me some caffeine,

and said that he got it out of a vending machine..

we finished it in the canteen.

the first day was ok.

when my boyfriend got me a cheese souffle...

but he told me he was going away

i asked: "USA?"

but he said: "Paraguay."

and added without delay.

he said don't be afraid

for he will be my fiance

he swept me of my feet

and promise he will not cheat

he advise me to complete

my college degree.

while waiting for him.

i love happy ending

and i hope his not pretending

and everything is really working...

and they are preparing for my big wedding.