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is it possible that i have a phobia of happiness?

it would be such ironic that my name is Joy and I have cherophobia.

why is it so hard to believe that it is real?

probably its all inside me.

there is a feeling that when something is going the way i want or when something good is happening surely something bad is just waiting to fuck things up. 

it is a cycle. when you feel that it is bad you know that it will pass and something good will come eventually.

but it works the same way, when everything is going smoothly, surely something somewhere is gonna just pop up or waiting to screw you.

sometimes do you wonder why in the world are we even here for?

a human is born, 

forced to squeeze information by 'education',

forced to believe there is some greater force controlling us.

forced to learn things called science and skill.

for 12 years we are locked in buildings, 'useful' information shoved into us.

telling us that it will prepare us for the future.

what is the future? 

it is the time where you start to work "putting your useful information into use" in return you will get pieces of papers known as "paychecks" or "money".

all our life, we keep getting papers.

From the moment we start to form a zygote. 

parents will take "photo"

the moment we get pushed out of your mom's vagina.

there will be "birth certificate"

after years of absorbing information.

you get "Phd certificate" 

you work for a year then you get "paycheck"

then you find a partner to share that paper

and when you do, you get a another piece of paper " marriage certificate"

then until you are sick, old and die 

there's "death certificate"

all our life we keep getting certificate to acknowledge what we do.

what for?

even when we die, we are still collecting papers.

so why are we even here in the first place?

it is a cycle. since our ancestor.

are we here for a reason?

what is the reason?