Ungodly hour

The shelf creaked ever so slightly, but I can hear it. The heater's slow and steady humming from the generator is more obvious than ever. What a calm night. My own regular breathing is the only thing making sure that I am still awake at 3:30 in the morning. I am alone with my thoughts. Not even the horny cats are accompanying me tonight. I am alone once again. Even though there is someone whom loves you, there will still be a time when not even your parents or loved ones could protect you. You are left unguarded against your greatest enemy. The thought which were being pushed to the back of your mind, finds a way to sneak into your consciousness. The pain, the regrets, the guilt, the sadness flows back slowly eating your anger away. The despair and the gaps that no one could ever fil, not even the biggest blackest dick, has started to eat you alive. I no longer am myself, I no longer can hold on to it anymore. I suppose I should blame this ungodly hour that led me to such desperate and vulnerable thoughts. I suppose when the daylight resumes I should be back to normal, I should be the one with a cheerful mask that doesn't let anyone worry about me. I should be grateful for many things and I should be happy.

 But the problem is how. Is it my fault that I don't know how? 

I am sorry.

I really don't know how. 

I tried but...
It isn't working for long term. 
It is not the fear of losing, it is not the fear of being alone. 
I do not know what is, there's just the emptyness, the void like the whole world is just waiting for me to break and yet here I am, still here. 
I would rather just break, but I can't. It is more painful to bend with the force and follow as it shapes you. You start losing yourself, you are what you have become because of what happen. 
Is that who you are? Is that who I am? 
No.
I will break everyone does.
I already have cracks here and there. 
When is it ending? 

I did not see that coming

Monday 17/8/16

3:00pm

Its another day of boring lectures, I have arrived at the university earlier to finish my assignments and some weekly quizzes and also to do some last minute preparations for the lectures later. It has been a long day with assignments. It was my first year, and I was still struggling with citations and referencing, the lecturers here are very anal about this shit. All the assignments were 5 pages long, about 5000 words. I was almost suffocating. 

I was sitting in the lecture hall, the lecturer keeps going on and on and on, from time to time she keeps reminding us of our shit pile of assignments and our due date. I was like 'calm the fuck down please, the dateline was October and its only August'. I could hear groans from the back of the hall and people leaving. 

Well thank goodness that after all this I am looking forward to the second meeting of the Drama club. I wonder what games were we gonna play. It was a part time hobby which could take my mind off of assignments. Although Drama was a very time consuming hobby and it takes commitment if I were to take it seriously. But all I wanted was something to take my mind off assignments and any other problems I was having. Because in Drama Club, nobody knew who I was and nobody knew who my friends were. It was a new place where I could just relax before I start hating people in there. 

6:00pm

I strolled out of the lecture hall, the sky was getting darker. It seemed like I have spent an eternity in the lecture hall. The last time I saw the sun was after my lunch break and since then I had to bid farewell to the warm sun. The night welcomed me with a light breeze in my face, it felt refreshing but my face was already numbed in the freezing lecture hall. I walked towards the stairs leading to the basement while waving goodbye to some friends going the different direction. I walked down the stairs and into our meeting place. It seemed like a very secretive place where an unofficial gathering of secret society would be held.

But surprisingly it was quite noisy at the basement. I passed by The Christian Association and i lightly scoffed, I heard hymns blasting through the pathetic computer speaker trying to be metal or rock music. It seems like it was their first meeting and they were welcoming the newbies. I reached the lecture hall 6003, I saw two guys I met during the first meeting and I sat 2 seats away from them. So that I could face them when I wanted to talk to them and turn the other way when I don't want to talk to them. We chatted awhile, they were asking about the grouping up for our upcoming performance and I agreed that we could form a group, what could go wrong a group with Chinese, Russian and Sri Lankan. Just as we were talking two other people sat behind us, well might as well talk to them since the dude behind me sounds like he knows what he is doing. I turned around and said Hi, well he was friendly, but the other dude not wearing a cap beside him was in his own little world staring at god knows what, he glanced at me for a second and continued staring at something. 

The meeting started and we were distributed to different groups. I was in the same group as the friendly dude wearing a cap. I have to admit that the games they played was a bit immature and stupid, it doesn't really serve any purpose in Drama/ Theater training. Well all of them are not professionals like the trainers we got back in high school. Nonetheless I still went with it. Finally the game was over and i was sitting at the last row talking to the Cap dude about grouping up. He suggested that we could form our own group I agreed but I told him I have friends joining us and he was cool with it and said if I was ok with his friend joining or not. I had no preference and our group needed team members. While people were moving to their own groups I was having a texting war. I got pissed and decided to not reply anymore, I decided the something much more interesting is happening here anyway. 

Soon we were discussing about what genres we were gonna perform and weird ideas came out. I was hoping not romance because if I were the audience I would fall asleep. Well in the end it was sorta not romance genre but I sure did put in more commitment than I ever intended to. I gained something else which made all the commitment that I put in worthwhile and I cannot be more pleased with the outcome. Not just our performance but every other thing. The process to the final performance was one of a kind, not like any other rehearsals I've had and of course the result had a huge impact till today. (No, it's not the Cap dude, it was his friend who at first just only took a glance at me.)

unique but not rare

Have you ever thought that we are all different? and sometimes you just don't find anyone who shares the same things with you? in some aspects both of you are totally the same, but sometimes you will just feel that you don't really know that person at all. 
Then there are times where you just feel like you can't or don't feel that you fit in to anywhere. 
No matter which group of friends you mix with, you just don't really belong?
When you tell anyone that, they will just say that everyone is unique in their way.
this makes us feel better, to know that we are unique that's why we can't fit with some people.
this makes us feel special, that no one is another copy of us, or not exact copy.
but in actual fact, everyone is unique. just not RARE.

don't be too happy when they say that you are unique.
because if you wanna feel special, you have to be rare.
truth is, everyone is unique. so it really doesn't make a difference if you are unique in your way.

i have always been thinking that all of us are the same.
we end up the same - dead.
we start the same - sperm finds egg and boom! u start of with an asshole...
our lives are the same just a slight difference in your family financial status and background.
poor - work when younger
rich - work when older.
we have to face the same thing sooner or later. we gain the same experience sooner or later.

no one is truly unique, i have always felt this way.
but i just didn't know how to properly convey the message.
everyone keeps telling me how we are all special and unique.
but now i understand, to be truly special you should be rare.
being unique is just not enough.

how do you consider as being rare?
Smart people fill the streets, be the smartest, Hopkins is rare, not just because of the disease and the fact that he founded some theory.
Dont worry that only famous people are rare.
dumb people fill the streets, be the dumbest. nobody have done it so i have no examples. 
Rare is a very difficult level to achieve, you could be rare but you might be so rare that no one has ever seen people as rare as you and they might be afraid of you.
they might distant themselves from you, they might call you weird, they might say you are stupid.

Unique is not rare,

Unique doesn't mean useful,

Unique doesn't mean new.

We are unique

its almost 5 in the morning. Yes I know I should go to sleep, or take a snap in the dark with the time showing 5:37am to show everyone how I am not asleep yet.
He told me I was a pessimist in life and therefore stayed till 5 in the morning to show me how unique we all are. And because of his experience I think that he is just curious that wether they would end up banging or not that's why I kept trying to make him see why only this "what if" is bugging him.
But either way, I am still glad that he is who he is now. Although I don't know who he was previously. Well I don't know about me and I would love that somebody could tell me.
Since young, I already know that I don't really fit anywhere. And I don't need to fit anywhere. But I blame all this on the theory of  'everyone is unique'. I am sure that there are a bunch of you guys feeling the same. Like you don't fit anywhere, like you don't belong, like what the fuck are you even doing here. Because everyone is unique, grouping is basically non existence. You could feel like you fit into many different groups but not truly belonging to any of them.
I know that many of you teenagers or even adults don't even know why you are here. Just cause your parents were horny one night. Well I know my purpose, I am born after my grandad died, to keep my grandma occupied, to keep her mind off of her spouse. But what happens after my grandma died? What is my purpose now? You could say that is good that I have a purpose in life, it would be sad to not have any purpose. But it would also be good that you are not just living for somebody. What is the thing that keeps you going?
You could just disappear and life would continue, maybe people would take a day or two for ur funeral but then life goes on.
Some people spend their whole life wondering why, what's the reason behind. Not everyone can leave a mark in this world.
But I do appreciate you trying to make me feel unique. We do have this urge to compare with people around us. But I do love it when you tell me that I am soemthing different from your exs. It helps. But that won't solve the big problem. Yes I know many of you are gonna tell me that 'your future self will tell you everything's gonna be alright'
But I can't stand that. Suddenly you wake up and I'm not here. Things would still go on as usual.
You don't have that big impact. Even if you are some big shot, you die then you die. World goes on. Falling things will continue to hit the ground. Yes yes I know that my name is Joy and I should be fucking joyful n cheerful, full of like and glowing sunshine.

Everyone is unique, there is no uniqueness now.

Well, Fuck you too!

Heads up, swearing level: fucking high

choose to continue reading at your own risk, if you can't handle that first line I suggest you to fuck off.

Looking back at my old blog post, I saw the point of my life where it forced me to change to what and who I am today. 

In one of the blog post I made a conclusion that boys only like girls who act cute and small.

and I was quite pissed off about that. And what sort of boys used 2-3 years to impress a girl and finally date her just to win a fucking bet?

But till now, I still stand firm on my conclusion. Yes, only BOYS like those kinds of girls.

and from then on, I realised that I don't technically fit in to that category, small, cute and helpless.

But I am not exactly those strong female character. Actually I don't really know which categories I fit into.

In another post, I mentioned that only bitches will not get heart broken.

And that was when i turned into a bitch, and it's TRUE. I didn't get any broken hearts from then on. My bitch mode is like a self-defense mechanism and some stupid idiot broke it, well I hope i wouldn't have to use it again. because if I do, it's not gonna be easy breaking it the next time. I would say I was quite impressed. Not everyone can handle me. Okay fine, no one could actually handle me. 

Then there were a few other post that made me lose faith in humanity.

And the most heartbreaking post of all was the one where I started losing trust in friendship and basically everything else.

I realised that true friends don't really exist and the more people in your life the more complicated its gonna be. That's just the fucking problem ain't it? I don't do complicated.

That's why if you could just find a partner where you can trust and talk like a best friend that will definitely make your life better. 

Anyway, the whole point is, a lot of things happened in the past, it was quite eventful I would say. But most of my post were just to let me vent, curse at people and about boys and thus explaining all those tittles containing swear words.

Now it is time for me to give a fucking Grammy award winning speech.

First off, I would thank the people who have helped me through all these years, but there weren't any. All of you just brought me complaints about my attitudes and characters. Others were merely by standers giving useless and obvious remarks.
Then second of all, I would wanna say a big THANK YOU to all my haters, sluts, whores, bitches, jerks, douche (I apologize if I left any of you out, if you don't fit into any categories below, you are here) that made my life so fucking difficult and exciting. Everyday I would have something to criticize and hate about you. Even if there's nothing new, your face and the way you breath is enough for me to hate you for the next few centuries. You are the people who have kept my life interesting. 

And to the guys that I've dated, or told me that no one would ever date me. Well, you can go fuck yourself. You obviously can't handle me that's why you made such conclusion (sounds like some old virgin who thinks that they are too good for anyone lol).  I don't give a rat's ass about what you think (Okay maybe I did gave half a rat's ass since i'm mentioning bout you now). 

Finally, those that I wanted to thank sincerely are the bros, they are a bunch of assholes and retards that can do the most brainless shit at the most inappropriate time ever. You guys didn't exactly helped me in any other way, but just manage to get all of us in trouble. 

Peggy you bitch

Behind every guy who has given up on relationships is a girl who broke his heart.
Behind every girl there is a guy who has under appreciated her or never treats her right, but she still falls head over heels for him. 
Me?
My feelings have died one by one along the way when I was growing up.
One lie after another, few stupid mistakes and one broken heart.
Till you came along, I felt that it was Easter Day again. 
Slowly I felt some of my emotions coming back. 
I started feeling happy at first, but slowly disappointment and anger started creeping back into me.
As times pass, dissapointment took over my emotion during the time when we were together.
It was a blessing and a horrible curse to be able to feel again. 
How I wish that I was dead inside again.
I was less emotional, I was less angry, I was way more cool headed.
I didn't know this was actually slowly killing me over again.
How I wish I could only just feel joy and not the others.
It was impossible, till he came along and I was slowly pushing you out of the picture.
Because with him, my impossible dream became possible.
I was joyful and lighthearted most of the time.
I was so addicted to this feeling, I got hooked on and I was promised constant supply.
But I was scared of the duration of my supply would run out. 
I took quite a long time to decide if it was worth it or not.
It was worth it. Definitely worth it. 
Why should you put yourself through all this disappointment,
when there is someone who will not disappoint you?
Why should you allow him to put you second,
When someone is willing to put you before themselves?

Okay so there is actually nothing to do with Peggy.
And just to make things clear, Peggy didn't offend me.
And Peggy is a name I just made up. 

a typical love story with cliché and lots of it

It was a rainy night, neither of us wanted to leave. 
9:40 pm
So there we stood, under the roof next to the cafe. The rain was a good excuse, for us to be really close to each other (I was cold and him being a gentleman as always was giving me warmth). I was leaning on him with my head resting on his chest, and he was holding me with his cheek resting on top of my head and neither of us said anything. We just stood there and enjoyed the companion of each other and listening to the raindrops hitting the wet road. I suddenly pulled back and looked at him, we looked at each other for awhile and he broke the silence. He said something that caught me by surprise and I was also wondering when he was gonna say. 
I looked at him and smiled (god I hope I didn't giggle like an idiot or looked surprise), I was glad he said it.  He pulled me towards him and kissed me passionately. 
That moment, the earth stopped spinning, all the noises of cars passing by was drowned out, everything in my brain was being thrown out of this world (even galaxy), all I could feel was the warmth of his hands on my hips. 
After quite awhile,
he pulled back looking at me and I said what anyone at that time would hope to hear (or else it's gonna be real awkward). I hugged him so tightly, that the tobacco smelled hit me right in the nose and cleared my sinus (thank you darling^^). We held on to each other and it's starting to get hot (#youknowwhatimean). (i'm sorry let's keep this PG13)

10:15 pm
I was suppose to be back by 9:30 pm, but oh well f*ck it, lets just enjoy the peaceful and loving scene. Rainy night, two people confess their love for each other. How much more romantic(cliché) can it be? The raindrops began to slow down, he was quite worried that my dad was gonna be mad. But his devil side didn't want to me go either. After battling his own angels and demons, we parted and headed home. 

That day was just any other Wednesday. After a long day at work, I went to a café to have our little date (with his friend). When it was getting late, his friend left and it started drizzling, then we decided that we were gonna wait for it to stop before getting in to our car. Well, it didn't stop, it started getting heavier until it was too heavy to even stand by the walkway, we had to huddle in the corner to avoid getting splashed by the rain... 
Just like this, a normal Wednesday became a love story straight out from a chick flick which any girl would want to experience. This happened awhile back, but the emotion in his eye is etched in to my mind since then. It's something I wouldn't wanna forget. 

狗血的爱情故事

在一个雷电交加的夜晚，两个人躲在屋檐下。

10:40 pm

雨下个不停，两个人把雨当成借口不舍得回家。因为怕被雨淋湿而互相把对方抱得紧紧的。两个人默默的希望雨不会停。女孩靠在男孩胸前，男孩轻轻抚摸着女孩的背后，头部微倾把脸颊靠在女孩的头发。两人静静地站在早就拉闸的店铺前。看着细细的雨不停的掉落到马路上。女孩突然抬起头望着男孩，对望了一下，男孩打破沉默说了一句女孩盼望已久的话，那句话也同时把女孩吓了一跳。

女孩看着男孩，脸上不自觉地露出了灿烂的笑容，男孩把女孩拉近深深的吻了。

那瞬间，地球停止转动，所有的声音都渐渐的消失。头脑里所有的东西瞬间抛到19层云霄外， 只感觉到男孩手的温度在女孩腰上温温地。

不知过了多久（因为地球停止转动），

两人的嘴慢慢分开，这时女孩开口了，女孩回了一句不管当时是谁都会想听到的三个字(不然整个气氛就会很尴尬了)。男孩紧紧地抱着女孩，女孩心头暖暖的依偎在男孩胸膛。

11:20 pm

女孩应该在11:00 pm之前到家，可是女孩管不着这么多了，先珍惜现在窝心的时刻吧，不然回到家就是24小时不停的兄弟姐妹吵架声和爸妈不断的唠唠叨叨。不知不觉，雨滴不如刚才那么密集了，男孩替女孩感到着急，深怕女孩的父亲会生气却又不舍得女孩离去。心中挣扎了许久，两人才依依不舍的各自回家了。

那天，就那么平凡。女孩下班后，到了离办公室30分钟的咖啡馆与男孩和他的朋友吃晚餐。朋友聊了不久后看见乌云一寸一寸地把天空盖过，就告别离开了。就和往常一样男孩坐在女孩对面，听着女孩说起她整天遇到大大小小的事。时不时给一些建议，时不时一起和女孩打抱不平，让女孩有一个地方吐气，看着女孩为工作上的小事而气得满脸发红，男孩偷偷的笑了一下。就这样，一个傍晚又过了。是时候回家了，可惜突然下起了大雨（也不很突然啦，都说乌云一寸一寸盖过了天空嘛）两人冒着大雨跑到离停车位不远的店铺前躲雨。。。就这样一个看似平凡的下午就成了女孩最深刻的一个下午。从来没有一个人以那么真诚的眼神对女孩说“我爱你”。

A big deal

Is it a big deal when some one tells you 'I love you'?
I was already wondering when were you gonna say or wether I should say it.
But I am afraid that if I say it you'll ask me do I know the meaning of love?
And I'm not even sure that I am capable of it.
But 15/1/2016 you said it.
It felt different. It took me by surprise.
But I was happy to hear it. 
And does this mean that our relationship is getting to another level?
I am afraid to let you know I'll never leave, cause incase you start to neglect and take things lightly.
But I don't wanna give you the impression that I'm gonna leave incase you hold back the things that you can give me and in another words not giving me all you got, but I'll be giving you all that I have.  And that won't seem fair doesn't it? But one thing I cannot accept is that everything is all mixed up, there is no clear line separating it.