Everything Is Wrong 2

The things that had been bothering me started not long ago.

or maybe it was long enough to let me be fossil.

But ofcourse,

i didn't know when it happen,

because i was same as dead.

nobody even realize i wasn't there.

i was equal to dead.

i didn't bother to ask a lot about it when i saw what really happened.

when i did ask,

i tried to makes things back the same way,

but eventually i couldn't ,

i fail.

i asked, 

but it looks like lightning was going to strike on me.

things that i have seen are more hurtful than this.

i was quite sad about our friendship that turn sour.

i did have enough.

each other think about the same thing the other way.

i was in the class when i thought about all this.

it was the best time for me to sort all this thing out.

and for once i was grateful that no one came to bother me.

and at least i have PEACE N QUITE.

i hope i'm not the main cause that our friendship turn sour.

i hope i'm not the one who went to poke fire,

and made the thing more complicated.

it's not that complicated for one reason.

but i think that she have her own reason.

the reason that can't be told

i don't know whether the reason she told me is true.

but it's really getting harder for me to talk to them.

i don't know when my mouth would blurt out something that i shouldn't said.

but this is honestly enough for me.

i don't need another set of dumb problem!!

PLZ UNDERSTAND THIS PROBLEM IS BETWEEN US!

NONE OF THE OUTSIDERS BUSINESS!!!

I'LL HAVE TO WORRY BOUT THAT PROBLEM AGAIN.

AND MAYBE FOR A LONG TIME!!

I DON'T THERE TO SAY I HAVE MUCH EXPERIENCE.

BUT HONESTLY I HAVE FACE THIS KIND OF DUMB FRIENDS PROBLEM AT PRIMARY SCHOOL AND KINDERGARTEN,

I HAVE GOTTEN USE OF THIS KIND OF SICK GAMES.

I DON'T REALLY TRUST ANYONE THIS TIME.

WHEN I CAME INTO HIGH SCHOOL.

I THOUGHT THAT IT WOULD BE DIFFERENT.

THE PEOPLE HERE WON'T BE THAT CHILDISH.

IT STARTED OUT GREAT.

I MADE NEW FRIENDS AND  GOTTEN QUITE WELL ALONG.

I THOUGHT THAT I HAVE FOR ONCE TRUSTED PEOPLE.

I REALLY LONGED TO HAVE TRUE FRIENDS,

TO HAVE FRIENDS THAT NO SECRET AMONG US,

OBVIOUSLY I WAS DUMB TO TRUST THAT.

I WAS PATHETIC,

I THOUGHT BACK WHILE I WAS IN PRIMARY SCHOOL.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT ALL I HAVE GONE TROUGH I STILL BELIEVE IN THERE IS SOMETHING CALLED TRUE FRIENDS. 

BUT WHEN THE SECOND YEAR STARTED,

I WAS WRONG.

THE TIDAL WAVE THAT I HAD EXPECTED ISN'T HERE YET.

THIS WAS ONLY THE START OF IT.

I DON'T EXPECT THAT MY FRIENDS WOULD UNDERSTAND MY PAIN,

WHEN I AM IN KINDERGARTEN AND PRIMARY SCHOOL.

IT WAS THE SAME.

WHEN THE 1ST SCHOOL YEAR CAME,

IT ALL STARTED GOOD,

BUT SLOWLY IT ROTTEN TO BITS.

WHEN I WAS IN PRIMARY SCHOOL IT GOT WORSE.

I WAS SENT TO THE PRINCIPALS OFFICE ALMOST EVERY WEEK.

FOR COUNSELING.

THE PRINCIPAL THOUGHT THAT I HAD MENTAL PROBLEM.

AND WAS THE ONE MAKING THE SCHOOL GO HAY WIRE.

I WAS BORN IN A PLACE WHERE I CAN'T TRUST PEOPLE.

I DIDN'T TALK MUCH OF THIS IN SCHOOL,BECAUSE

I DON'T WANT THINGS TO GET THIS AWFUL.

I DON'T WANT BAD MEMORIES FLOODING BACK AGAIN.

I DON'T WANT THOSE NIGHTMARES TO HAUNT ME AGAIN.....

Everything Is Wrong

It was a cloudy day. The sky was gloomy the whole day.

There was slight breeze,

but something had bothered me since u two started acting like that,

not u two,plus a lot of people are starting to go strange.

it look like it wanted to rain.

The whole day at school i look at you,

between you two, there is a tension growing.

i don't know if it's my fault.

but i 'm not sure that the cold war between u 2 will last this long.

and i'm sure it wouldn't.

when time comes by,

it will slowly separate us.

I'm doubtful that my wish will come true,

but few days ago i made a wish for our friendship to stay.

and i remember that few of my blog that wrote frens forever definitely

wasn't coming true.

i shouldn't have written the word FOREVER,

because i should have knew it all along that i was lying to myself.

I forced myself to believe that u 2 would get along.

everyone has their own character.

every characters are important role.

But today i finally was awake.

It was the last period of the day.

and the class was noisy.

i was sitting alone because the teacher had change the place.

i was depressed at first when i started sitting alone.

because everyone in the class had partner.

but later i found that there was a wide river that separated me from my friends.

i didn't know about anything that had happened to my friends.

i felt that i had lost touch with my friends.

i felt like i didn't belong.

When it was recess time,

we went to the canteen,

i tried to have a sit in the middle of my friends.

but even though i sat in the middle i still couldn't figure out what they are talking about.

and i notice that there was starting to have tension around me.

there was eerie silence that surrounded me.

none of my friends were talking.

even though the next table, they were talking quite loudly.

it could have drown our talk.

i thought that i have hearing problem.

but sadly, i didn't have hearing problem,

they were really not talking.

they were doing their own business as though they doesn't know each other anymore.

as i was saying,

it was the last period of the day.

so here i am.

sitting alone in the middle of the class.

sometimes i think that a lot of things are wrong.

like when they say center of the attraction, or

u will get attention if you are different.

but i think time have change,

people doesn't care that you are different.

i'm different i thought.

i was sitting alone while others are not.

that is a different.

and i was sitting in the middle.

that was definitely the center.

but as though i live in my own world.

nobody cared bout me.

and that's why i started thinking bout these things that had bothered me.

TO BE CONTINUE.....

I Hope 2

I hope that it doesn't end just now.

before dad bought me this computer and installed wireless,

i used to write diaries.

Just now i tried to write to my diary the things that had happened.

i wrote half in my diary,

but eventually it smeared because of my tears.

i can't hold back my tears.

i felt bad.

i thought bout the way i just acted..

and the salty tears came, and blurred my vision.

until i wrote crookedly. and it became untidy..

i tried to hold back my tears but it can't be held back..

eventually it came pouring down.

i didn't cried infront of people.

but during the camp. i was juz cryin to suit every one else.

i want them to know me as the happy,cheerfull girl.

not the depress one.

it felt good to cry.

but i felt like a baby.

so  i stop writing my diary and threw it out of the window.

then i thought of using the computer.

because i can't cry.

if i cried while using the computer, it would break.

then my dad would be furious.

so i dried my tears and started typing.

this is the second time i wrote the blog today.

i don't know why.

but then i am still crying.

i was listening to a few sad song.

but i think that the singer sang to her love.

but it was mostly the same.

for once i really paid attention to the lyrics.

it was meaningful to me.

that's why it's making me so emotional.

something has totally gone wrong to me.

i notice that i haven been crying for a long time.

feels good to cry.

i hope that my friend would still accept me.

i know that i have a bad temper.

i am still tryin.

tryin.

it took 2 whole box of tissue to dried my endless splash of tears.

i cried in the dark.

while writing my diary, i only lit the table lamp.

i let the darkness surround me..

i felt more comfortable cryin in the dark.

and i didn't want anyone to know that i was crying.

now i'm quite ok.

i think.

i thought that it was the meanest thing i could do to a friend...

i hope that they will accept my apology.

i dare not apologise infront of them.

so here:

to my frens: jy,yy,cass......and so on..

i'm sincerely sorry..for what i have said or done to hurt u all.

maybe tomorrow morning i'll have to climb out of the window to get my diary back...

i hope that my dad doesn't realise i'm still awake at the time of the day..

it's 2:24 now i better get to sleep.

i must remember to take my medication 1st..

thanks to my friend...

I Hope

Back to few hours ago,

i was arranging some visiting with one of my close friend.

all was ready and i called our teacher to inform her about we were going to her house.

but later the plan didn't work out,

cause our teacher is busy that time,

but my teacher told us that 2 something would be a perfect timing for us to visit her.

i then called up my friends and told them the news.

so we plan of something else.

basically it was me who did most of the planing.

but i don't mind.

they wanted to go jusco.

but i thought that it would be so dull to be going the same place over and over again.

so i said, or else we go to sunway pyramid.

because we will not be visiting our teacher.

i asked and asked.

but the friend that i was discussing with kept on bringing up:"

what about her?" than after i answered that she would ask again:"what about so and so?" again i answered it.

it happen a few times already, and it was starting to get my nerve.

so i finally asked:" do you really want to go or not?"

we were chatting trough MSN so i couldn't really express my anger.

i don't know she felt that whether i was angry or not.

but i think she knew..

cause i started using capital letters to reply.

but then she was quite patient.

i have a bad temper.

i knew that.

i get pissed off easily.

i have been trying hard to control.

she was so cool..

then finally she said:"then why not u don't go?"

i was blazing that time, so i said:" U all doesn't want me to follow right?!"

i was boiling!

after a few chat, 

i finally went 'away' mode.

i figured that i better go away before i get too stress out.

i was on medication..

i didn't really tell anyone.

i was on medication all the time.

cause i'm on medication,so i don't wanna stress myself.

Shit i'm getting giddy again..

i think that i'll write later.

after i take medication again...

All The Same!!

Today i manage to keep my mouth shut.

well atleast most of the time........

i kept my mouth shut just to not let my mouth hurt people..

coz XXX told me that i'm just to straight..

and she told me that mayb i could use another way to tell something negative...

so that's why I didn't speak much........

there's nothing wrong with it...

but i just feel weird that,

i don't even know that i could keep my mouth shut...

because i always thought that i was just exercising my mouth...

that's a nice way to say.

but if u put it the other way...

maybe it would be talkative....

but in this case,

i just try to watch my mouth...

what ever it is,

i don't care..

if, u want to say sumthing but u still have to turn around another angle,

then that defeats the purpose of talking...

if i keep my mouth shut long enough..

i will be deaf or unspeakable..

then maybe i'll shout at people:" Oh! Shut Up!!"

it's enough! it's only 8 o'clock and i'm tired....

i think that i'll just keep my mouth shut for the whole week....