are you worried?

Only two days in your life that isn't 24 hours.
If you had a choice, would you wanna die at the exact moment you were born?
I don't know if the feeling is not right or there is nothing between us or I really trust you.
I don't really mind anything at all now.
But if something really does go wrong,
and I found out.
I won't be sad. because when you look at me, I don't see the spark.
Probably now is too soon to say anything.
even if there's spark in the eyes, things could still go wrong.
there is still a possibility that things will not end the way we want.
well, for now I am not worried.
I would like to think that I trust you.

i don't like talking to you

I don't like talking to you,

because you never say anything cool,

you want a big breakthrough,

but you only see from one point of view.

that's why you will be like Napoleon in the Battle of Waterloo.

i don't wanna talk to you,

cause your face makes me wanna puke.

the slightest glimpse of your hideous face,

will make me wanna slam it in a bookcase,

that thing you call face,

belongs in the darkest deepest space.

but i have no choice but to keep the conversation going, 

so that i can keep the weed coming,

and that i can keep stoning. 

i know this sounds ridiculous,

but i'm just such meticulous,

and you will never ever be suspicious,

because you only have a brain of an Australopithecus.

The day will come,

when i hide your body in a drum,

while i'm whistling and chewing a bubble gum.

Everyone will now know that you are a scum.

After that I will say hip hip hooray and take an off day,

while waiting for you to start decay,

i'll sit back in my comfy chair and have a souffle,

a glass of Cabernet with some Cold Play,

such a weird combination, but hey,

i love it that way.

from yours truly,

Joy

if we are here for a reason what is it?

what if earth is just a cell in another creature?
and we are just the small enzymes and proteins found in the organelles.
we could be one of the organelles or we could be cell just by ourselves.
since a cell and the earth is roughly made up of 70% water.
the trees and jungles are chloroplasts, 
humans are something like energy generator or transporter, we produce energy and carry them around.
Some people will say that is crazy, there are millions of other solar system.
Well, that can be true, since we have millions of cells. 
some might have the same function but in different parts of the body,
so you might possibly find another 'Earth' in another solar system.
it might not look the same, the creatures inhabiting it might differ also.
because according to Universe Today researchers found that 50 percent of stars have a planet of Earth-size or larger in a close orbit

the solar system can be one cell by itself containing different organelles such as the planets.
or it can be an organelle itself and the Sun being the nucleus or some special pigment.
or maybe this larger creature is highly evolved with one cell with a function of two cells.
probably functioning as red blood cell and skin cell or something like that.

What if we are not the only creatures in the solar system.
i know this question has been asked thousands of times.
but what if we haven't even fully understand our own cells yet?
maybe there are smaller living things inside the ribosomes are nucleus,
questioning about life.
like why the fuck am I just going through the same thing over and over again till it dies.
or that thing having monday blues or going through some crisis.

anyway, if anybody has the same thought as i do,
i would love to have a discussion.

what's the point

there will always be comparison.

we will always make comparison.

regardless of what we are comparing and who we are comparing with.
we will compare among others,
we will compare ourselves with others.
when we find that we are above them,
most of us will be happy,
some of us will think of ways to get even higher.
when we find that we are below them,
some will think of ways to get above them,
some will just leave it as it is,
some will regret making the comparison.
when you find out that you are no better than any of them,
you will start questioning, is it your fault?
normally we will make external excuses for ourselves.
but when other people make mistakes, we will always say it is their own fault.

somethings are still best left unknown.
or else you will start questioning a lot of stuff.
sometimes nobody will be able to let you ask,
sometimes nobody knows the answer or they don't wanna answer.
sometimes you won't like the answer.

somethings are best left hidden.
to not hurt yourself or to cause unnecessary stress to yourself.
somethings are best left unanswered.
not everything has an answer.
not everything must need an answer.
not everything must show the world.
you don't have to know everything if it will cause you pain.  

Young

No matter how old you are, there's always gonna be a little kid inside of you. 
It's your choice to decide whom to show it to.
It has been a long time sitting on somebody's lap and just feeling the warmth around you. 
Feels comforting, like there's nothing in the world that will make you move.
A sense of tenderness and care will come surround you.
The long awaited peaceful state of mind has finally come 
when I'm just sitting on a comfy sofa with the person who fits the best with what you need.
When your head can find a shoulder for you to lean on 
There is a wave of relief and calmness.
Tiredness might take over but you will surrender willingly 
When you are in such a comfort zone.
It is not everyday that you can sleep in such peacefulness, mind and soul.

^^

if you have been following this blog,

you would have realized that this blog is full of negativity.

but yet the name of the blog is called Be Happy.

The reason for not having or seldom having happy post is that,

i'm too busy enjoying the time.

every time when you are facing a difficult moment in your life

you would think to yourself that its not permanent, it'll be over soon.

and how do you want it to be over?

my way is to write a post and then forget about it.

either i'll come up with a way to solve it or it can solved itself.

but either way it ends after i write a post.

So when i'm having a good time,

i will think about the same thing too.

that it is temporary, its not gonna last long.

therefore i am gonna enjoy it to the max 

instead of writing a post about why the fuck i'm happy.

it seems like the same thing is gonna happen,

like the moment i write a post about why i'm happy,

the happiness is not gonna last.

but if you are the person who made me happy,

you will know it when you see me 

and you don't have to read about it in the post.

so, can you see that i'm happy?

stab me with a lollipop

does it make a difference getting stabbed by a lollipop compared to a knife?

most probably no. cause it is still gonna hurt. 

but the difference is it's gonna look stupid on your death certificate under the column reason of death

"stabbed by lollipop"

well there's also another difference is that when you get stabbed it seems sweet but on the other hand it still hurts like a motherfucker. 

what ever you do, never stab yourself with a lollipop.

and don't stab others with lollipop also.

All through my life, i'd rather be the one holding the knife rather than the one holding the shield. 

its better that way, so that no one is gonna hurt you.

and at any day i would have gladly stabbed that knife at anyone, not from behind cause that is a bitch move, and i only do that if i have to.

but i would have never thought that this day would come, where i'd point the sharp end at myself.

but luckily someone switched the knife to a god damn lollipop.

so it would have a sweeter touch to it. 

just fckin kill me.

untitled

is it possible that i have a phobia of happiness?

it would be such ironic that my name is Joy and I have cherophobia.

why is it so hard to believe that it is real?

probably its all inside me.

there is a feeling that when something is going the way i want or when something good is happening surely something bad is just waiting to fuck things up. 

it is a cycle. when you feel that it is bad you know that it will pass and something good will come eventually.

but it works the same way, when everything is going smoothly, surely something somewhere is gonna just pop up or waiting to screw you.

sometimes do you wonder why in the world are we even here for?

a human is born, 

forced to squeeze information by 'education',

forced to believe there is some greater force controlling us.

forced to learn things called science and skill.

for 12 years we are locked in buildings, 'useful' information shoved into us.

telling us that it will prepare us for the future.

what is the future? 

it is the time where you start to work "putting your useful information into use" in return you will get pieces of papers known as "paychecks" or "money".

all our life, we keep getting papers.

From the moment we start to form a zygote. 

parents will take "photo"

the moment we get pushed out of your mom's vagina.

there will be "birth certificate"

after years of absorbing information.

you get "Phd certificate" 

you work for a year then you get "paycheck"

then you find a partner to share that paper

and when you do, you get a another piece of paper " marriage certificate"

then until you are sick, old and die 

there's "death certificate"

all our life we keep getting certificate to acknowledge what we do.

what for?

even when we die, we are still collecting papers.

so why are we even here in the first place?

it is a cycle. since our ancestor.

are we here for a reason?

what is the reason?

 

never thought so

i have never thought that i would be torn between this sort of shit storm.
not all the girls can have a guy playing guitar and singing for her.
well i got it, and i didnt even ask for it. i thought i never wanted it.
but when you get it, the feel is different.
i will not fall for this shit again.
everything changes when you are together.
he stops giving a shit, not appreciating and understanding.
you start to wonder what happen and start to question each move.
like nothing matters anymore, you are not the interest any more. 
you are gonna be stupid if you think that you will be the one crying your eyes out when you loose him.
when in actual fact he doesn't even give a shit.
to tell you the truth, it seems like we are a better match.
do you know that feeling? 
when you go to an event and people think you are just somebody. 
but in actual fact you are not, you are a Somebody.
so you were talking and mingling around, then that big shot came and talk to you in a caring way.
so you get that curious look. like who the hell is this girl? and why did the big shot was so caring to her.
well, that is the feeling not everyone can get, and even get a personal performance before the show.'
how many girls can have that.
to think about it. among all the guys. they did a lot more than what you ever did.
its good to have someone in the same interest. you'll never understand.

Cry your fckin eyes out

There will always be a point in your life that you will have to cry your eyes out.
At that moment you will think that is the worst part of your life.
The most suffering part. But try looking past that part.
If what you see is more suffering, then you might as well just end it here and now.
What's the point of struggling.
You dare not let go because of the memories you have.
You are afraid that it might not be the same as before.
Well stuff you think that is important or happy.
Might be different from what others think. Even the closest person to you.
Stuff that matters the most to you. Might not be the same as other people.
Happy memories of yours might not be theirs.
What you think it's priceless memories
People might think it's just one of those days.
Stuff you care about most
Is not what they care about
Evryone has their priority
But what's sad is that they are your priority, but you are not theirs.

its gonna end, i knew it

Things that lasts forever is either fake or untrue.
I've had enough of the lies, the quarrels, the fights and shit.
I know it's gonna end somewhere, some time.
I knew it, but I did nothing to stop it.
I don't know what to do.
I'm just gonna lay here.
I'm letting everyone walk over me.
It does not feel good.
But atleast everything is all covered up under the foot prints on my back.
I won't show any emotions,
I won't say anything.
no doubt that deep inside my heart is already shattered into pieces.
no doubt that I have a lot to tell you.
but i know any problem can be solved by expressing your doubt.
but all problems can also start from a single word.
but all i would say is that thanks for the memories.
thanks for the love and warmth you gave.
I have not shed a tear in many years, 
not since the doctor slap my butt when i first pop out of my mom.
i have faced all the barriers in life by confronting them.
but with you,
i have shed tears of joy and sadness.
i know it is gonna end when i started shedding more tears of sadness rather then tears of joy.
this is where things end.
I don't know how we are going to continue.
I can't even stand not seeing you one day.
how can i stand not seeing you everyday?
i just feel like when you are not around me, 
i completely can't have you.
you are always playing your game and watching movie.
when will you have time that fully belongs to me?
I know you have your life.
but you can't expect me to give you everything
and not expecting anything back.

so i guess this is it.

Nothing lasts forever

The good news is that nothing will last forever, bad days are not permanent
The bad news is that nothing lasts forever too, good times are also not permanent
I saw some where saying that when you are feeling down like someone is pulling you back that's because you are getting ready to be launch up, and that's where your bad days end and good things happen.
But do not forget, we are living on earth, gravity exist and therefore whatever goes up will eventually come down.
I know It is true, because now I feel that I'm living the 'up' life, and looking back at those old times, those are really some suffering time.
For almost 6 years, I felt like I'm being pulled back. I hope six years is enough to launch me high enough. I know not falling down will be impossible.
My dear, if you are reading this,
I know what's happening,
I'm just don't want to admit that I'm having a great time with you now
Because if I do, I don't know if it can last long or not, if yes then how long?
I don't want to end so quickly.
If it does, I want to end it in a special way.
Something worth remembering.

strangers, friends, lovers, strangers again

what could be the saddest thing in life?
i think that losing a friend is one of it.
well,
as many people said, 
in our life, there will be people entering and leaving.
some will leave sweat memories,
and some are here to help us not to make the same mistakes.
i am happy enough that we were once friend.
but even sadder thing is that once lovers, now strangers.
those sweat memories overweight those bad moments (i hope).
all forgotten, or forced to the back of the brain. 
think about all the things you've been through,
no matter friends or lovers.
how did you met?
when did you start to notice you two were as crazy as The Joker.
the time spent getting to know each other,
the time spent brewing your friendship.
the hardship gone through to maintain all that.
suddenly, one decides to just let go.
let everything go.
then everything is gone.
you would think that your friends have forgotten you.
but in actual fact.
did you let them know how to keep in touch with you?
everyone thinks you are dead.,
and those who know you are alive,
doesn't want anything to do with you.
although when meeting face to face in a gathering,
they seem to be okay, chatting and laughing away happily,
bringing back the old times.
suddenly you'll think that, everything is okay, they are not trying to avoid you,
they are just too busy to reply your messages. 

looks can be deceiving,
people have already warned me that,
you are leaving earlier then them, they will continue the rest of the semester without your presence.
they'll soon get use to the life without your presence and will soon forget you too.
i've seen that happen to those who left before me.
their names were mentioned once in a blue moon, when something specifically reminded them about those who left.
one or two sentence will be about them, then their named would remain buried until next time someone mentions something related to them and their name might or might not be mentioned too.
because their memories with us have become blurrish overtime. 

well now i guess that i'm already part of the 'dead'.

I'm all worn out

i'm tired.
i think i've had enough.
are you tired?
if so, 
what are you going to do?
just throw everything away and leave?
just leave everything behind?
just disappear?
just vanish?
who can do that?
please teach me.
i can't.
i'm tired of depending on others.
but i can't do anything for now.
i have to depend.
the only thing i don't have to depend on others,
is my happiness.
but, i'm sorry 
that is gone too.
my happiness now depends on you.
it's sad, that even the simplest thing i can't even decide myself.
you say i can.
if i can, i would've.
your presence would magically brighten my day.
no matter how moody you are.
i always appreciate your presence.
but, i don't like it,
wondering you are going to appear or not tomorrow.
others would think that we are only budding romance, nothing serious.
but, if you are seriously considering us to be together long enough...
i don't think this way is going to work.

you have been my ups for this mere few months of us being together.
i honestly have not felt this much joy ever.
and i honestly didn't know i could feel this much disappointment and pain.

it is sad 
but yet at the same time comforting,
to know that i'm not totally cold blooded.

but sometimes it is better to be cold blooded.

there's no such thing

remember those days, when the girls will stick to a group and gossip about boys and other stuffs?

remember those days, waking up early in the morning, going to school, hoping for which teacher is on leave, waiting for recess, then finally looking forward to go home.

remember those days, where today was the first day of school, and soon it is final exam, then later we are older by one year, and after that we are preparing for graduation and the big big last exam.

remember the day, when we knew we are going to separate soon? or at least i knew i was gonna be the first one leaving. we even made all sorts of stupid promises, about making movies together and music videos and all those other stuffs. 

well everyone knew very well that it was never gonna happen, but i was naive enough to believe that all of that would somehow magically come true. 

i was naive enough that when everyone said "keep in touch" they truly meant it. 

i was naive enough to believe that those we called "sisters" and BFFs are gonna last.

clearly i should've known that everything is going to magically disappear and being forgotten. 

no one would want to bring up old stories about themselves doing stupid stuffs and saying stupid things. 

i was being warned that by leaving the school the earliest and having no really close buds, things are gonna get awkward and I am soon gonna be forgotten.

well, i should've just accepted it, but i was hoping to have a different outcome. 

anyway, I've accepted that i'm no long part of the old click, since i left school the second earliest. 

i have always wondered, the girl who left the earliest and she has always been the center of our gossip topic have since gotten so close with  you guys.

well, i guess i can't question everything.

i must well as just accept the fact that i have moved on, faced a new bunch of people and also its kinda my fault that i did not take the initiative to participate in any activities. 

well, anyhow, i still wish all of my friends, sisters, clicks, buddies, whatever you guys call it now, good luck in your future, if anytime soon, i would love to catch up and know whats been going on.

很久以前

如果那时没有决心要离开, 我就不会知道原来世界还是有希望的。
我不知道一个人是可以更开心的，可是同时也可以更伤心。
当你自己一个人，你不需要靠别人，不需要理别人如何看你，不需要理别人对你感受，不需要为别人着想。这么说听起来很自私。可是这样你不会那么容易被伤害。同时你需要很坚强，自己面对一切，自己撑着，自己负责任。听起来很辛苦，可是这样你不需要依靠别人，不需要担心谁会背叛你。
当你面对挫折的时候，自己会学会度过难关，会得到经验，不要再让同样的事和人伤害自己。可是当你开始找到一个人让你依靠的时候，你会觉得自己是世界上最幸福的人。久而久之，自己忘了如何照顾自己，之前深深被埋藏小孩子的样子出现了。有时候，忘了自己其实还是需要一个人照顾。忘了被别人照顾的滋味。到了一段时间，爸妈就不能背着你，如果他们有选择，他们当然要一辈子看着自己的孩子长大。可是，这是不可能的。
你自己虽然得不到一个完整家庭的爱。可是你却不顾一身的为别人着想。你告诉我你自己不重要，可是你却愿意照顾我，愿意把我放在你心里最重要的位置。我一时反应不过来，因为从来没有人会对我这么说，也没有人有这个必要这么说。
我们的故事原来是那么的狗血，那么老套的爱情故事，虽然拮据我还不知道是怎么样，但我希望会好像通话故事‘从此过着美好的生活’的结局一样。 可是在现在的世界，去哪找这种结局？ 就算真的让我找到了，那又怎样，久了，不又一样会腻。
但是我现在的确是比以前开心了很多，我现在也发现到，原来我以前是那么的冷淡，对所有的东西都麻木了，对一切都失去了希望。我需要一个经历过比我多的人让我领悟到我其实不需要对这世界感到绝望。
这全部太完美了，令人有点难以置信。这全部来得太突然，我怕一时错过了，一切又将会消失。我担心我的一个决定，一个反应，会令这一切消失，就因为这样，自己太容易受影响。从前逼自己冷血，逼自己无视所有东西，对所有东西没有反应。
现在我很难做到，控制不了自己的情绪，控制不了自己的感觉。
~别对任何东西下定论~

love or hate

I don't know what to do.
I love it but now I kinda regret.
I've never done this before.
Honestly, I was a good student. Not those great results kind but atleast i am those that doesn't go against school rules and teachers.
But now.. there is no one to guide me and things are getting out of control.
We are happy together. I know that.
Atleast, i'm very happy. But i realise we bring the worst out of each other.
This is really bad. especially when both of us need guidance. WE know that we are gonna be havoc if there is nobody to coach us or at least guide us...
I have to stay on the right path.
But i know you don't care.